What's a girl to do?

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. I have had to make so many decisions since I got home from my mission.....Did I make the right one?

I learned so much as a missionary. I discovered how much my decisions really matter and how much I really care about my future. I want to progress in this life. I want to make the right decisions that will lead me to progress. But, am I making the right decisions? I have no idea. I feel like I am and then I talk to people about it and I question everything I am doing. I am not sure if my decisions are leading me in the direction I am intended to go. I am not sure if maybe I should have made a different decision along the way and I have no idea where to go from here. I am at a very weird place in life. I don't have a family of my own, I am not finished with school, and I am currently separated from all of my siblings and parents. What's a girl to do?

I know why I felt like I should move away...so that I could make decisions for myself, but I still find myself questioning every single one. I don't like when other people tell me what to do or how to live my life, but I have the hardest time making decisions for myself. Right now, I am trying to decide where to live, what to study, who to be interested in, who to associate with, and what kind of returned missionary I want to be and I feel like I am failing in all aspects. I don't know if I am doing anything right. It all kind of stresses me out. Way too many decisions to make.

I know what most of you are going to say, I need to have more faith and pray to my Heavenly Father for help and direction. Well, I say, Amen to that.

8 months

It has been 8 months since I returned home, after completing my 18 month mission in Sapporo, Japan. 8 months people!

You think it get easier with each new day, sometimes it does, but sometimes it is just plain difficult.

No one can quite understand the experience you had as a missionary, other missionaries get an idea, but each experience is different. With different trials, accomplishments, and people, we all have a slightly different experience.

There are so many things about being a missionary that I miss so much. I miss the Japanese people. I miss the culture. I miss the food, the smells, their smiles, and honesty.

But, the thing I think I missed most is having the title of missionary and being able to wear my nametag in representation of my Heavenly Father.

There is something so special about being a missionary. In my missionary call letter it says:

"Dear Sister Miller:
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Japan Sapporo Mission......You have been recommended as one worthy to represent the Lord as a minister of the restored gospel. You will be an official representative....As you devote your time and attention to serving the Lord, leaving behind all other personal affairs, the Lord will bless you.......Your purpose will be to invite others to come unto Christ...Greater blessings and more happiness than you have yet experienced await you as you humbly and prayerfully serve the Lord in this labor of love among His children."

(yes, I still read my call letter every now and then, I love it)

There is nothing greater than working towards helping others recognize what they mean to their Heavenly Father. Doing this 24 hrs. a day, 7 days a week was the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life, thus far. As I told people what they meant to their Heavenly Father, I felt it for them and for myself. The love I had for the people around me grew and I desired to share this knowledge more and more with everyone I came in contact with. As my desire to share this knowledge, that God is our Heavenly Father, we are His children, and He loves us more than we can comprehend, my understanding of the depth of that love grew. I had a closeness with God that I had never had before. One that I couldn't and wouldn't deny.

As a missionary, I would spend 3-4 hours studying each morning, and everything I did was centered on my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I would spend time reading countless articles, scriptures, and other church material. The music I listened to, the activities I participated in, and all of my actions were focused on reaching out to my fellow brothers and sisters. I received greater joy from this, than form anything else.

Then, my 18 months came to an end. It was a bittersweet ending. I was so sad to leave behind all that I had grown to love, not only the people, but the experience I had had serving them. But, I was so excited to reunite with my family (I had grown a greater appreciation and love for them as I had been separated from them). Words cannot express the mixture of emotions I felt as my plane took of from Japan and headed to America. Tears streaming down my face, I knew something great had just ended.

Just like that I was back in America, back with my loved ones, and forced back into "normal" life. I've been in "normal" life for 8 months now, and I am still trying to figure it out. I want to feel that same closeness I had with my Heavenly Father when I was on my mission. It's difficult because I can still feel that way with my Heavenly Father, but it is different because I no longer have the sacred calling. I am no longer a missionary. And, it is time to move on, BUT I will always look to my mission with gratitude that my Heavenly Father had the confidence in me to be able to love His children.

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God"
Doctrine & Covenants 18:10

Healing

I am going to start from the beginning. I've been raised by two loving parents, in a loving family, with everything I've ever needed provided for me. My parents showed me the same love, affection, and support they showed my siblings. When we all came to this earth we understood we would pass through trial and tribulation. We spoke with our Heavenly Father and older brother, Christ, and said we understood this test on earth would be hard, but agreed to come here anyways. We agreed to pass through this mortal testing. What I am about to say is very personal, I write it not to let everyone in on my life and the things I've struggled with, but because it's therapeutic for me to write and share. The more I am able to talk about it the more I come to be able to deal with it and overcome it.

I was born and raised in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my whole life. I had no idea what the church would actually do for me until much later in my life. I struggled in high school with confidence, positive body image, loyalty to the things I had been taught, and with feeling happy. I looked to make up for this in all the wrong ways. I searched for it in ways that only made me feel more unhappy. I tried to talk to a lot of boys and tried to keep them as interested in me as possible, because if I had a lot of male followers it probably meant I was beautiful right? I tried to have a lot of friends and filled my life with fun distractions to keep myself from the inner battle I was having. I hid everything from everyone who really cared about me.

Well, I started to wise up a little and realized the decisions I was making in my life weren't actually making me happy. I hesitantly started seeking out God, the way I had been taught, but never tried for myself. God was so gracious towards me and offered comfort, love, and guidance quicker than my doubting self ever could have imagined. I, with a lack of confidence in myself, only in the answer I received from God, decided to serve a full time mission. I was called to serve in the Japan. I was excited and I tried to let the excitement overcome my fear.

I entered the mission field, still lacking in confidence, but knowing that this is what my Heavenly Father wanted for my life. I had been in Japan for about three months when I started to feel disconnected again, to the same degree I had felt in high school. Io didn't feel happy, loved, wanted, important, or worth anything. I found myself going back to the habits I once had when I was younger and looking for happiness in the wrong ways. I wasn't sure why this was happening to me, I was doing what I was supposed to, so why now? Needless to say, learning Japanese wasn't easy, leaving the comfort of my family and friends wasn't easy for me to do, but I wasn't the first person in the world to do it, so I tried to make myself tougher and ignore what I was feeling. I realized there was something else going on inside of me that I. Oil don't always explain. I didn't always have an explanation for my sadness, some days it was really strong and other days I felt normal. I decided to talk about how I was feeling and a friend of mine suggested that I talk to the mission psychologist, I may not need that kind of help, but at least he could offer some good advice.

I called, and within two days my life changed forever. I will never forget how everything happened. I left the fun activity we were having at the church building to answer the call I had been waiting for. The word depression rang through my whole body. I didn't know how to react, why did I have this problem now. I was doing what I was supposed to. I got back to my apartment and cried. I didn't want to be that person I didn't want to have to rely on someone to talk to or share my feelings with. I didn't want to have the feelings I had. I wanted so badly to be happy, genuinely happy.

I thought about my future, how undesirable this attribute would be for anyone to have to deal with, and I cried some more. I luckily had the support of a sweet companion, my family, my god, and my savior. The next couple of months made me realize how instrumental studying and devoting time to God are. I studied harder than I ever had. I didn't always feel capable of getting up and serving the conventional way any other missionary would, but I could read. I read every conference talk in the apartment, studied every word in my scriptures, and studied preach my gospel like no one has ever seen, the whole time with my companion, family, and savior right there rooting me on. I slowly began to heal. I saw the light in the truths of the gospel message. I saw hope, and I desperately reached for it.

I finally learned how to deal with it on my mission, to not dwell on the negative to focus on the things I know that are true, that I am a child of God, that he loves me, for me, that my trials are temporary.

Then, I came home. I still have a better understanding of how to deal with my depression, but sometimes it comes back and it is not the easiest to deal with. Sometimes I forget who I am I lose sight of my divinity. But, my Savior and Heavenly Father are always right there waiting for when I remember. Waiting for me to turn to them for help and comfort. I am never disappointed when I do finally turn to them. My circumstances don't change, but they become bearable. I learn that my spirituality is my happiness. My relationship with God is true joy. As I lean on my Savior, his atonement, and keep sight of the eternal plan God has for me, my depression diminishes.

"Ye shall weep and lament...and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy..........and ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you" ( John 16:20,22)

" ....I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God....yea I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" ( alma 26:11-12)

--crm

I know i said attitude is everything in my last post, but how are you supposed to have a good attitude when so much hurts. I feel like so much has changed in my life since my last post and its hard to know what to do. I feel like I was finally starting to feel good about my life and like things were going to be okay, but then I started having issues with my friends and I just don't know who to talk to anymore. I saw one of those friends who doesnt really talk to me anymore through the death of his mom. My grandpa died yesterday and I thought maybe he'd be there for me like I was for him, I was wrong and that just hurts. I don't like to express my emotion, but with certain people, he was one of those people. sometimes I wonder if I am just trying to throw myself a pity party and I try to be happier and try to hide my feelings from my family also but sometimes it just hurts and I want to get it out. One thing I remember about my Grandpa who just passed is that he would always tell me how beautiful I was, every time he saw me. Somedays I really needed that, I needed someone to lift me up. I am really going to miss him. Sometimes I just want to have that person that I can go and cry to and not worry about being judged, I just need that friend and I don't really feel like I do right now. I just want a hug.

Decisions

Things change so rapidly. In the blink of an eye something around is already changing in some way or another. Every second babies are being born and people are dying. Sometimes I feel so blessed and so selfish living where I live and yet I still find reasons to complain. I don't have everything I "need" or I feel alone or out of place. Sometimes I look back on my life thus far and wonder why. Why did I make the decisions I made, could they have been different and where would I be today if I had made different decisions. I wonder how fast I made a decision without deep thought, and how fast my life changed. I think of how other people make split second decisions and how fast they change other peoples lives and their own. I spend a lot of time wondering what I am supposed to do with my life. I work two jobs, babysit pretty regularly, I go to school, and I attend church regularly. Some people might think I have things pretty figured out, and I do consider myself to be extremely blessed, but I still feel like there is something else I should be doing with my time, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I've noticed I am always the happiest when I am doing something for someone else and that is something I want to do more. Yesterday, I watched the movie "Soul Surfer". In case you're not familiar with it, it's about a surfer from Hawaii named Bethany Hamilton. While surfing one day a shark comes and bites her arm off. She wonders why it's happening to her and what God's plan could possibly be for her. Her story was truly inspiring to me because even in the midst of a huge trial that I don't know if I could bear she served other people. She had so many things to complain about, she lost an arm, if she hadn't endured through her trial she would have missed out on serving so many people through her love. She has become an example to me of enduring to the end. She endured and kept God close to her at all times. They say the best way to become like Christ is to serve. Bethany Hamilton's decision to serve has definitely exemplified Christ in my eyes and she has effected more people than she probably will ever know. She will always be someone I look up to for strength and endurance in the hardest of trials.

losing the race

I feel like I am in a race, but everyone is passing me at unimaginable speeds, but no matter how fast i try to go i am stuck in the same spot. Post high school has been really hard for me. Don't get me wrong college is great, but adulthood not so much. I miss the stability i had in high school, same schedule and responsibilities every single day, now my responsibilities sometimes change daily. I had a place that i "fit" in high school, but now i feel completely out of place. I had a best friend in HS who listened to me vent, and talk about none sense and things she didn't understand, but always listened and tried to understand, now we're not in the same place. I miss having someone who will listen because they cared about me as a person and wanted to make sure i was doing okay and not just because they feel obligated. I hate not knowing what i am going to study in college or how i am going to manage college and two jobs. High school was fun and comfortable, now i am completely out of my comfort zone. I've especially had some rough days with my jobs. I don't like being told that I'm mean or that kids hate me it gives me the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes when a kid from my daycare job tells me I'm mean i wonder if this is the right job for me. I just don't like being mean. When i think about school and my jobs and i talk to friends from school i feel like they know what they're doing in life. I, however, have no idea and get left behind. I don't want to lose the race, i don't want to be left behind.

Where are you Christmas?

One of my all time favorite Christmas movies is the 2000 version of the Grinch with Jim Carey. Cindy Lou Who, one of the main characters, is having her doubts about Christmas because she feels that the traditions that her town has at Christmas time are a bit overdoing it with all of the shopping, maxing out credit cards, cooking, and stress. She worries that maybe it is her and she doesn't know what to do, but hopes that maybe if the Grinch can get back into the Christmas spirit that their will be hope for her too. One of the songs on the movie sung by Cindy Lou Who is called "Where are you Christmas" (recorded also by Faith Hill). I really relate to music and the way artists express themselves through it. I have enjoyed this song for years and have recently recognized the message within the lyrics. In the beginning of the song the lyrics say:

"Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too"

I was thinking about the lyrics as I watched the movie play today and also while I watched the Christmas Devotional given by the First Presidency. All the talks given were amazing and help me to remember the symbolism and spirit behind the holiday of Christmas.President Monson said some things that really struck me: "I am saddened to see Christmas become less about Christ and more about worldly things". I think Cindy Lou felt the same as President Monson she knew Christmas was more than gifts, Christmas light competitions, decorations, and partying. There was something missing and young Cindy Lou recognized that. Further into his talk President Monson said that: "Christmas is what we make of it...[we need] to capture and keep christmas...the spirit of Christmas is Love, Generosity, and Goodness" Young Cindy Lou recognized the spirit of Christmas which is what brought her to show the Grinch Love, Generosity, and Goodness.  She invited the Grinch to see the goodness and love that Christmas brings out in people. Something we need to remember not only at Christmas time, but all year long. At the end of the song the lyrics change slightly and convey a different message they read:

"If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love"

We can feel the spirit of Christmas in our hearts all the time if we allow ourselves to. I think if we allow ourselves to feel the spirit of Christmas, and see the Joy that Christ's birth has brought the world,In 2 Nephi 19:2 and 6 it says: 

 2 The people that walked in darkness 

have seen a great light; they that dwell 

in the land of the shadow of death, 

upon them hath the light shined

6 For unto us a ^achild is born, unto us a son is

given; and the ^bgovernment shall be upon his 

shoulder; and his name shall be called, Wonderful, 

Counselor, The ^cMighty God, The ^dEverlasting Father, 

The Prince of ^ePeace.

I feel like we can be full of light and emmulate Christ  if we remember the reason for Christmas as God would want us to we can have the spriit with us at all times. Something I am especially grateful for this holiday season is the special Gift God has allowed me to have throughout my life, my family. No one else on the planet uderstands me like my famiyl and they love me unconditionally even when other people don't and when I probably don't deserve it. I love them so much and I am so grateful that I get to celebrate another thing that I hold so dear, my Savior with them.