I am going to start from the beginning. I've been raised by two loving parents, in a loving family, with everything I've ever needed provided for me. My parents showed me the same love, affection, and support they showed my siblings. When we all came to this earth we understood we would pass through trial and tribulation. We spoke with our Heavenly Father and older brother, Christ, and said we understood this test on earth would be hard, but agreed to come here anyways. We agreed to pass through this mortal testing. What I am about to say is very personal, I write it not to let everyone in on my life and the things I've struggled with, but because it's therapeutic for me to write and share. The more I am able to talk about it the more I come to be able to deal with it and overcome it.
I was born and raised in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my whole life. I had no idea what the church would actually do for me until much later in my life. I struggled in high school with confidence, positive body image, loyalty to the things I had been taught, and with feeling happy. I looked to make up for this in all the wrong ways. I searched for it in ways that only made me feel more unhappy. I tried to talk to a lot of boys and tried to keep them as interested in me as possible, because if I had a lot of male followers it probably meant I was beautiful right? I tried to have a lot of friends and filled my life with fun distractions to keep myself from the inner battle I was having. I hid everything from everyone who really cared about me.
Well, I started to wise up a little and realized the decisions I was making in my life weren't actually making me happy. I hesitantly started seeking out God, the way I had been taught, but never tried for myself. God was so gracious towards me and offered comfort, love, and guidance quicker than my doubting self ever could have imagined. I, with a lack of confidence in myself, only in the answer I received from God, decided to serve a full time mission. I was called to serve in the Japan. I was excited and I tried to let the excitement overcome my fear.
I entered the mission field, still lacking in confidence, but knowing that this is what my Heavenly Father wanted for my life. I had been in Japan for about three months when I started to feel disconnected again, to the same degree I had felt in high school. Io didn't feel happy, loved, wanted, important, or worth anything. I found myself going back to the habits I once had when I was younger and looking for happiness in the wrong ways. I wasn't sure why this was happening to me, I was doing what I was supposed to, so why now? Needless to say, learning Japanese wasn't easy, leaving the comfort of my family and friends wasn't easy for me to do, but I wasn't the first person in the world to do it, so I tried to make myself tougher and ignore what I was feeling. I realized there was something else going on inside of me that I. Oil don't always explain. I didn't always have an explanation for my sadness, some days it was really strong and other days I felt normal. I decided to talk about how I was feeling and a friend of mine suggested that I talk to the mission psychologist, I may not need that kind of help, but at least he could offer some good advice.
I called, and within two days my life changed forever. I will never forget how everything happened. I left the fun activity we were having at the church building to answer the call I had been waiting for. The word depression rang through my whole body. I didn't know how to react, why did I have this problem now. I was doing what I was supposed to. I got back to my apartment and cried. I didn't want to be that person I didn't want to have to rely on someone to talk to or share my feelings with. I didn't want to have the feelings I had. I wanted so badly to be happy, genuinely happy.
I thought about my future, how undesirable this attribute would be for anyone to have to deal with, and I cried some more. I luckily had the support of a sweet companion, my family, my god, and my savior. The next couple of months made me realize how instrumental studying and devoting time to God are. I studied harder than I ever had. I didn't always feel capable of getting up and serving the conventional way any other missionary would, but I could read. I read every conference talk in the apartment, studied every word in my scriptures, and studied preach my gospel like no one has ever seen, the whole time with my companion, family, and savior right there rooting me on. I slowly began to heal. I saw the light in the truths of the gospel message. I saw hope, and I desperately reached for it.
I finally learned how to deal with it on my mission, to not dwell on the negative to focus on the things I know that are true, that I am a child of God, that he loves me, for me, that my trials are temporary.
Then, I came home. I still have a better understanding of how to deal with my depression, but sometimes it comes back and it is not the easiest to deal with. Sometimes I forget who I am I lose sight of my divinity. But, my Savior and Heavenly Father are always right there waiting for when I remember. Waiting for me to turn to them for help and comfort. I am never disappointed when I do finally turn to them. My circumstances don't change, but they become bearable. I learn that my spirituality is my happiness. My relationship with God is true joy. As I lean on my Savior, his atonement, and keep sight of the eternal plan God has for me, my depression diminishes.
"Ye shall weep and lament...and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy..........and ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you" ( John 16:20,22)
" ....I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God....yea I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" ( alma 26:11-12)
--crm
