Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. I have had to make so many decisions since I got home from my mission.....Did I make the right one?
I learned so much as a missionary. I discovered how much my decisions really matter and how much I really care about my future. I want to progress in this life. I want to make the right decisions that will lead me to progress. But, am I making the right decisions? I have no idea. I feel like I am and then I talk to people about it and I question everything I am doing. I am not sure if my decisions are leading me in the direction I am intended to go. I am not sure if maybe I should have made a different decision along the way and I have no idea where to go from here. I am at a very weird place in life. I don't have a family of my own, I am not finished with school, and I am currently separated from all of my siblings and parents. What's a girl to do?
I know why I felt like I should move away...so that I could make decisions for myself, but I still find myself questioning every single one. I don't like when other people tell me what to do or how to live my life, but I have the hardest time making decisions for myself. Right now, I am trying to decide where to live, what to study, who to be interested in, who to associate with, and what kind of returned missionary I want to be and I feel like I am failing in all aspects. I don't know if I am doing anything right. It all kind of stresses me out. Way too many decisions to make.
I know what most of you are going to say, I need to have more faith and pray to my Heavenly Father for help and direction. Well, I say, Amen to that.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Monday, September 14, 2015
8 months
It has been 8 months since I returned home, after completing my 18 month mission in Sapporo, Japan. 8 months people!
You think it get easier with each new day, sometimes it does, but sometimes it is just plain difficult.
No one can quite understand the experience you had as a missionary, other missionaries get an idea, but each experience is different. With different trials, accomplishments, and people, we all have a slightly different experience.
There are so many things about being a missionary that I miss so much. I miss the Japanese people. I miss the culture. I miss the food, the smells, their smiles, and honesty.
But, the thing I think I missed most is having the title of missionary and being able to wear my nametag in representation of my Heavenly Father.
There is something so special about being a missionary. In my missionary call letter it says:
"Dear Sister Miller:
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Japan Sapporo Mission......You have been recommended as one worthy to represent the Lord as a minister of the restored gospel. You will be an official representative....As you devote your time and attention to serving the Lord, leaving behind all other personal affairs, the Lord will bless you.......Your purpose will be to invite others to come unto Christ...Greater blessings and more happiness than you have yet experienced await you as you humbly and prayerfully serve the Lord in this labor of love among His children."
(yes, I still read my call letter every now and then, I love it)
There is nothing greater than working towards helping others recognize what they mean to their Heavenly Father. Doing this 24 hrs. a day, 7 days a week was the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life, thus far. As I told people what they meant to their Heavenly Father, I felt it for them and for myself. The love I had for the people around me grew and I desired to share this knowledge more and more with everyone I came in contact with. As my desire to share this knowledge, that God is our Heavenly Father, we are His children, and He loves us more than we can comprehend, my understanding of the depth of that love grew. I had a closeness with God that I had never had before. One that I couldn't and wouldn't deny.
As a missionary, I would spend 3-4 hours studying each morning, and everything I did was centered on my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I would spend time reading countless articles, scriptures, and other church material. The music I listened to, the activities I participated in, and all of my actions were focused on reaching out to my fellow brothers and sisters. I received greater joy from this, than form anything else.
Then, my 18 months came to an end. It was a bittersweet ending. I was so sad to leave behind all that I had grown to love, not only the people, but the experience I had had serving them. But, I was so excited to reunite with my family (I had grown a greater appreciation and love for them as I had been separated from them). Words cannot express the mixture of emotions I felt as my plane took of from Japan and headed to America. Tears streaming down my face, I knew something great had just ended.
Just like that I was back in America, back with my loved ones, and forced back into "normal" life. I've been in "normal" life for 8 months now, and I am still trying to figure it out. I want to feel that same closeness I had with my Heavenly Father when I was on my mission. It's difficult because I can still feel that way with my Heavenly Father, but it is different because I no longer have the sacred calling. I am no longer a missionary. And, it is time to move on, BUT I will always look to my mission with gratitude that my Heavenly Father had the confidence in me to be able to love His children.
"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God"
Doctrine & Covenants 18:10
You think it get easier with each new day, sometimes it does, but sometimes it is just plain difficult.
No one can quite understand the experience you had as a missionary, other missionaries get an idea, but each experience is different. With different trials, accomplishments, and people, we all have a slightly different experience.
There are so many things about being a missionary that I miss so much. I miss the Japanese people. I miss the culture. I miss the food, the smells, their smiles, and honesty.
But, the thing I think I missed most is having the title of missionary and being able to wear my nametag in representation of my Heavenly Father.
There is something so special about being a missionary. In my missionary call letter it says:
"Dear Sister Miller:
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Japan Sapporo Mission......You have been recommended as one worthy to represent the Lord as a minister of the restored gospel. You will be an official representative....As you devote your time and attention to serving the Lord, leaving behind all other personal affairs, the Lord will bless you.......Your purpose will be to invite others to come unto Christ...Greater blessings and more happiness than you have yet experienced await you as you humbly and prayerfully serve the Lord in this labor of love among His children."
(yes, I still read my call letter every now and then, I love it)
There is nothing greater than working towards helping others recognize what they mean to their Heavenly Father. Doing this 24 hrs. a day, 7 days a week was the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life, thus far. As I told people what they meant to their Heavenly Father, I felt it for them and for myself. The love I had for the people around me grew and I desired to share this knowledge more and more with everyone I came in contact with. As my desire to share this knowledge, that God is our Heavenly Father, we are His children, and He loves us more than we can comprehend, my understanding of the depth of that love grew. I had a closeness with God that I had never had before. One that I couldn't and wouldn't deny.
As a missionary, I would spend 3-4 hours studying each morning, and everything I did was centered on my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I would spend time reading countless articles, scriptures, and other church material. The music I listened to, the activities I participated in, and all of my actions were focused on reaching out to my fellow brothers and sisters. I received greater joy from this, than form anything else.
Then, my 18 months came to an end. It was a bittersweet ending. I was so sad to leave behind all that I had grown to love, not only the people, but the experience I had had serving them. But, I was so excited to reunite with my family (I had grown a greater appreciation and love for them as I had been separated from them). Words cannot express the mixture of emotions I felt as my plane took of from Japan and headed to America. Tears streaming down my face, I knew something great had just ended.
Just like that I was back in America, back with my loved ones, and forced back into "normal" life. I've been in "normal" life for 8 months now, and I am still trying to figure it out. I want to feel that same closeness I had with my Heavenly Father when I was on my mission. It's difficult because I can still feel that way with my Heavenly Father, but it is different because I no longer have the sacred calling. I am no longer a missionary. And, it is time to move on, BUT I will always look to my mission with gratitude that my Heavenly Father had the confidence in me to be able to love His children.
"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God"
Doctrine & Covenants 18:10
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Healing
I am going to start from the beginning. I've been raised by two loving parents, in a loving family, with everything I've ever needed provided for me. My parents showed me the same love, affection, and support they showed my siblings. When we all came to this earth we understood we would pass through trial and tribulation. We spoke with our Heavenly Father and older brother, Christ, and said we understood this test on earth would be hard, but agreed to come here anyways. We agreed to pass through this mortal testing. What I am about to say is very personal, I write it not to let everyone in on my life and the things I've struggled with, but because it's therapeutic for me to write and share. The more I am able to talk about it the more I come to be able to deal with it and overcome it.
I was born and raised in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my whole life. I had no idea what the church would actually do for me until much later in my life. I struggled in high school with confidence, positive body image, loyalty to the things I had been taught, and with feeling happy. I looked to make up for this in all the wrong ways. I searched for it in ways that only made me feel more unhappy. I tried to talk to a lot of boys and tried to keep them as interested in me as possible, because if I had a lot of male followers it probably meant I was beautiful right? I tried to have a lot of friends and filled my life with fun distractions to keep myself from the inner battle I was having. I hid everything from everyone who really cared about me.
Well, I started to wise up a little and realized the decisions I was making in my life weren't actually making me happy. I hesitantly started seeking out God, the way I had been taught, but never tried for myself. God was so gracious towards me and offered comfort, love, and guidance quicker than my doubting self ever could have imagined. I, with a lack of confidence in myself, only in the answer I received from God, decided to serve a full time mission. I was called to serve in the Japan. I was excited and I tried to let the excitement overcome my fear.
I entered the mission field, still lacking in confidence, but knowing that this is what my Heavenly Father wanted for my life. I had been in Japan for about three months when I started to feel disconnected again, to the same degree I had felt in high school. Io didn't feel happy, loved, wanted, important, or worth anything. I found myself going back to the habits I once had when I was younger and looking for happiness in the wrong ways. I wasn't sure why this was happening to me, I was doing what I was supposed to, so why now? Needless to say, learning Japanese wasn't easy, leaving the comfort of my family and friends wasn't easy for me to do, but I wasn't the first person in the world to do it, so I tried to make myself tougher and ignore what I was feeling. I realized there was something else going on inside of me that I. Oil don't always explain. I didn't always have an explanation for my sadness, some days it was really strong and other days I felt normal. I decided to talk about how I was feeling and a friend of mine suggested that I talk to the mission psychologist, I may not need that kind of help, but at least he could offer some good advice.
I called, and within two days my life changed forever. I will never forget how everything happened. I left the fun activity we were having at the church building to answer the call I had been waiting for. The word depression rang through my whole body. I didn't know how to react, why did I have this problem now. I was doing what I was supposed to. I got back to my apartment and cried. I didn't want to be that person I didn't want to have to rely on someone to talk to or share my feelings with. I didn't want to have the feelings I had. I wanted so badly to be happy, genuinely happy.
I thought about my future, how undesirable this attribute would be for anyone to have to deal with, and I cried some more. I luckily had the support of a sweet companion, my family, my god, and my savior. The next couple of months made me realize how instrumental studying and devoting time to God are. I studied harder than I ever had. I didn't always feel capable of getting up and serving the conventional way any other missionary would, but I could read. I read every conference talk in the apartment, studied every word in my scriptures, and studied preach my gospel like no one has ever seen, the whole time with my companion, family, and savior right there rooting me on. I slowly began to heal. I saw the light in the truths of the gospel message. I saw hope, and I desperately reached for it.
I finally learned how to deal with it on my mission, to not dwell on the negative to focus on the things I know that are true, that I am a child of God, that he loves me, for me, that my trials are temporary.
Then, I came home. I still have a better understanding of how to deal with my depression, but sometimes it comes back and it is not the easiest to deal with. Sometimes I forget who I am I lose sight of my divinity. But, my Savior and Heavenly Father are always right there waiting for when I remember. Waiting for me to turn to them for help and comfort. I am never disappointed when I do finally turn to them. My circumstances don't change, but they become bearable. I learn that my spirituality is my happiness. My relationship with God is true joy. As I lean on my Savior, his atonement, and keep sight of the eternal plan God has for me, my depression diminishes.
"Ye shall weep and lament...and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy..........and ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you" ( John 16:20,22)
" ....I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God....yea I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" ( alma 26:11-12)
--crm
I was born and raised in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my whole life. I had no idea what the church would actually do for me until much later in my life. I struggled in high school with confidence, positive body image, loyalty to the things I had been taught, and with feeling happy. I looked to make up for this in all the wrong ways. I searched for it in ways that only made me feel more unhappy. I tried to talk to a lot of boys and tried to keep them as interested in me as possible, because if I had a lot of male followers it probably meant I was beautiful right? I tried to have a lot of friends and filled my life with fun distractions to keep myself from the inner battle I was having. I hid everything from everyone who really cared about me.
Well, I started to wise up a little and realized the decisions I was making in my life weren't actually making me happy. I hesitantly started seeking out God, the way I had been taught, but never tried for myself. God was so gracious towards me and offered comfort, love, and guidance quicker than my doubting self ever could have imagined. I, with a lack of confidence in myself, only in the answer I received from God, decided to serve a full time mission. I was called to serve in the Japan. I was excited and I tried to let the excitement overcome my fear.
I entered the mission field, still lacking in confidence, but knowing that this is what my Heavenly Father wanted for my life. I had been in Japan for about three months when I started to feel disconnected again, to the same degree I had felt in high school. Io didn't feel happy, loved, wanted, important, or worth anything. I found myself going back to the habits I once had when I was younger and looking for happiness in the wrong ways. I wasn't sure why this was happening to me, I was doing what I was supposed to, so why now? Needless to say, learning Japanese wasn't easy, leaving the comfort of my family and friends wasn't easy for me to do, but I wasn't the first person in the world to do it, so I tried to make myself tougher and ignore what I was feeling. I realized there was something else going on inside of me that I. Oil don't always explain. I didn't always have an explanation for my sadness, some days it was really strong and other days I felt normal. I decided to talk about how I was feeling and a friend of mine suggested that I talk to the mission psychologist, I may not need that kind of help, but at least he could offer some good advice.
I called, and within two days my life changed forever. I will never forget how everything happened. I left the fun activity we were having at the church building to answer the call I had been waiting for. The word depression rang through my whole body. I didn't know how to react, why did I have this problem now. I was doing what I was supposed to. I got back to my apartment and cried. I didn't want to be that person I didn't want to have to rely on someone to talk to or share my feelings with. I didn't want to have the feelings I had. I wanted so badly to be happy, genuinely happy.
I thought about my future, how undesirable this attribute would be for anyone to have to deal with, and I cried some more. I luckily had the support of a sweet companion, my family, my god, and my savior. The next couple of months made me realize how instrumental studying and devoting time to God are. I studied harder than I ever had. I didn't always feel capable of getting up and serving the conventional way any other missionary would, but I could read. I read every conference talk in the apartment, studied every word in my scriptures, and studied preach my gospel like no one has ever seen, the whole time with my companion, family, and savior right there rooting me on. I slowly began to heal. I saw the light in the truths of the gospel message. I saw hope, and I desperately reached for it.
I finally learned how to deal with it on my mission, to not dwell on the negative to focus on the things I know that are true, that I am a child of God, that he loves me, for me, that my trials are temporary.
Then, I came home. I still have a better understanding of how to deal with my depression, but sometimes it comes back and it is not the easiest to deal with. Sometimes I forget who I am I lose sight of my divinity. But, my Savior and Heavenly Father are always right there waiting for when I remember. Waiting for me to turn to them for help and comfort. I am never disappointed when I do finally turn to them. My circumstances don't change, but they become bearable. I learn that my spirituality is my happiness. My relationship with God is true joy. As I lean on my Savior, his atonement, and keep sight of the eternal plan God has for me, my depression diminishes.
"Ye shall weep and lament...and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy..........and ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you" ( John 16:20,22)
" ....I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God....yea I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" ( alma 26:11-12)
--crm
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