I know i said attitude is everything in my last post, but how are you supposed to have a good attitude when so much hurts. I feel like so much has changed in my life since my last post and its hard to know what to do. I feel like I was finally starting to feel good about my life and like things were going to be okay, but then I started having issues with my friends and I just don't know who to talk to anymore. I saw one of those friends who doesnt really talk to me anymore through the death of his mom. My grandpa died yesterday and I thought maybe he'd be there for me like I was for him, I was wrong and that just hurts. I don't like to express my emotion, but with certain people, he was one of those people. sometimes I wonder if I am just trying to throw myself a pity party and I try to be happier and try to hide my feelings from my family also but sometimes it just hurts and I want to get it out. One thing I remember about my Grandpa who just passed is that he would always tell me how beautiful I was, every time he saw me. Somedays I really needed that, I needed someone to lift me up. I am really going to miss him. Sometimes I just want to have that person that I can go and cry to and not worry about being judged, I just need that friend and I don't really feel like I do right now. I just want a hug.

Decisions

Things change so rapidly. In the blink of an eye something around is already changing in some way or another. Every second babies are being born and people are dying. Sometimes I feel so blessed and so selfish living where I live and yet I still find reasons to complain. I don't have everything I "need" or I feel alone or out of place. Sometimes I look back on my life thus far and wonder why. Why did I make the decisions I made, could they have been different and where would I be today if I had made different decisions. I wonder how fast I made a decision without deep thought, and how fast my life changed. I think of how other people make split second decisions and how fast they change other peoples lives and their own. I spend a lot of time wondering what I am supposed to do with my life. I work two jobs, babysit pretty regularly, I go to school, and I attend church regularly. Some people might think I have things pretty figured out, and I do consider myself to be extremely blessed, but I still feel like there is something else I should be doing with my time, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I've noticed I am always the happiest when I am doing something for someone else and that is something I want to do more. Yesterday, I watched the movie "Soul Surfer". In case you're not familiar with it, it's about a surfer from Hawaii named Bethany Hamilton. While surfing one day a shark comes and bites her arm off. She wonders why it's happening to her and what God's plan could possibly be for her. Her story was truly inspiring to me because even in the midst of a huge trial that I don't know if I could bear she served other people. She had so many things to complain about, she lost an arm, if she hadn't endured through her trial she would have missed out on serving so many people through her love. She has become an example to me of enduring to the end. She endured and kept God close to her at all times. They say the best way to become like Christ is to serve. Bethany Hamilton's decision to serve has definitely exemplified Christ in my eyes and she has effected more people than she probably will ever know. She will always be someone I look up to for strength and endurance in the hardest of trials.